I don't really know how to feel when I look at the pictures of myself. I guess I haven't seen a lot of full body pictures of myself recently, because I'm not really one to jump on a photo opportunity unless it's a close up of my face and I can stick out my tongue or something. But these pictures are like the most unflattering pictures I have ever seen of myself, and I can't believe it. It's like staring at a stranger in some ways, because I don't FEEL like that girl. I really don't. I mean, I look in the mirror, and yes, I see some flab. Duh. But I also see beauty and sass and grace and and style... I see ME. And the pictures take away all the feelings that come with looking at myself in the moment, and just leave a snapshot of my shell. My outer being. And I'm not digging it.
But I don't say this to be all down on myself. I am already smaller than when I took these pictures. Matter of fact, my first 2.5 weeks on the program have brought me a 7 lb weight loss, which brings my weight loss goal down from 73 to 66! Woot! Already in a lower decade! (I know they aren't years, but I don't know how else to word that. You get my drift.) I seriously love this program. It's a cakewalk, the food is actually yummy, and I'm losing weight like it's going out of style. Whaaaat? I love this! K, plug over- even though I do totally recommend this program to anyone and their dog.
I guess what I am trying to say is, I think most of us think that we look like we feel. And if we feel good about ourselves, we assume we look good. There's nothing wrong with that, because certainly having positive feelings DOES show up on our faces and in our body. But I guess I'm just not content with that. I don't want to feel like a split personality. I want the girl in the picture to match the girl in my heart, and that's why I'm doing this. I'm tired of shopping for clothes based on the criteria of "Does the largest size fit me or is it too small?". I would like to shop for clothes and buy what I want in the size I need, and have that size actually exist. My clothing criteria revolves a lot around how well something camouflages my body. Not cool- especially with my personality, which loves loud colors, bold prints, fashion that pushes the limits and doesn't fade into the background. It is hard to let my clothing reflect my personality when I'm limited to a few styles (which hopefully have my size) that are mostly hiding my body rather than making a statement.
I think if my clothes were to make a statement right now, they would be saying "I'm trying to distract you from noticing my flabtastic stomach." And I really and truly do not say that because I am down on myself. I feel great, and I'm headed in the right direction. The before pictures, as painful as they are to really examine, serve a good purpose right now. They are showing me that my body and my brain do not match up. Rather than feeling hopeless about this, it just further motivates me to make the changes. Because it's not like I'm stuck with my fat. Nobody is. We all have the power to truly change ourselves, and I'm kind of just realizing that for the first time in a long time. It feels really good.
But I'm still not posting them tonight. :)
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